Public places are a nightmare for my little man!
To say that would be to make the biggest understatement of the year.
I can't imagine what must be going on in his mind and body as we enter into public places.
The stimulation from the lights, sounds and large areas, are hard enough on a 'normal' person. But what is going on for him?
That is something that I can't answer, nor can he with his limited communication skills. However, that don't stop him from have a huge melt down in public places that a. we go to everyday or a few times a week or b. avoid at all cost.
We can get ready to leave the house and take the kids out for dinner. Now, let me tell you my son LOVES to eat, he is the happiest when he has food in his hands. We have a few places that we go because that is what the kids love and it is cheap enough!
He and I don't attend church because he can't handle the noise or the silence and I can't handle people touching me or saying something about my son's outburst!
His fits in public are much worst when there are people looking at him. I have learned what can and can't be done to calm him. But when people are looking and making comments, that is the moment I can't handle.
Maybe one day we can take him anywhere and not have to worry about how he is going to act or what others are going to say and how I am going to react. Because lets face it when you say something about my son I become defensive and there are defiantly times that I don't react the way that I should.
But he is my son and I will stand up for him at all cost!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Not as Stong as I Seem.
I got told today that someone was amazed that I have not had a break down. That I have not freaked out or had a nervous break down. They told me that there were some people in some sort of same position as me who don't have it as 'rough' as me who just lose it and freak out.
There are times when I wonder the same thing, how can I be strong enough to handle three kids, one on the way, a husband, school and a messed up mind like mine.
I am not as strong as I seem to be!
It is a every day fight for me to keep from falling apart, on the outside you would never know it because I am mean, I am a fighter and I don't let things get to me that most people would let in.
I have lived my life knowing that there was something not quite the same as others around me. Knowing that my life was different, inside my mind I was different.
Knowing that everyone is different, but I carried something that I would later in life learn really made me different. There was a reason that might help explain why I may act sane one day and not quit the same the next, crazy almost.
I am bipolar and I feel that when I was 14 and I was told that this would explain everything that I was going to be going through, yet I knew that there was something more.
Over the years since I found out that I was bipolar I figured out that this was something that I was going to have to live with and not let it control me.
This was what keeps me going, it was not letting my 'disorder' control me.
I have lived life one day at a time and I have let my disorder take over my life and run me, like when I was 15. And yet I would never go back and change what I have done in my past, but I would not want to do it again while I am this age and ever changing in my daily life.
15 was a hard age for me, while I did have lots of fun I learned that I can't let my disorder rule me like it did then.
Now I will not lie to you, there are times in my life that I can't control what is going on the inside/outside of my head, but the difference is that this time I can see the problems that I am facing and I can push though them, I can channel all the things to move me forward and out of the troubled minds that lead ahead for me.
I have learned my triggers, how to stop them from ruling my life and how to show myself that I am in control of me and not my 'disorder'. For that I am truly a happier person.
So, when you look at me and think how I am as strong as I appear, just remember that I am not as strong as I look, but I am strong enough to get me through!
There are times when I wonder the same thing, how can I be strong enough to handle three kids, one on the way, a husband, school and a messed up mind like mine.
I am not as strong as I seem to be!
It is a every day fight for me to keep from falling apart, on the outside you would never know it because I am mean, I am a fighter and I don't let things get to me that most people would let in.
I have lived my life knowing that there was something not quite the same as others around me. Knowing that my life was different, inside my mind I was different.
Knowing that everyone is different, but I carried something that I would later in life learn really made me different. There was a reason that might help explain why I may act sane one day and not quit the same the next, crazy almost.
I am bipolar and I feel that when I was 14 and I was told that this would explain everything that I was going to be going through, yet I knew that there was something more.
Over the years since I found out that I was bipolar I figured out that this was something that I was going to have to live with and not let it control me.
This was what keeps me going, it was not letting my 'disorder' control me.
I have lived life one day at a time and I have let my disorder take over my life and run me, like when I was 15. And yet I would never go back and change what I have done in my past, but I would not want to do it again while I am this age and ever changing in my daily life.
15 was a hard age for me, while I did have lots of fun I learned that I can't let my disorder rule me like it did then.
Now I will not lie to you, there are times in my life that I can't control what is going on the inside/outside of my head, but the difference is that this time I can see the problems that I am facing and I can push though them, I can channel all the things to move me forward and out of the troubled minds that lead ahead for me.
I have learned my triggers, how to stop them from ruling my life and how to show myself that I am in control of me and not my 'disorder'. For that I am truly a happier person.
So, when you look at me and think how I am as strong as I appear, just remember that I am not as strong as I look, but I am strong enough to get me through!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Letter to a man I don't really know...
I just want to call him, yell and get all the anger out of me...
To make things better, for me
To make me better
I want him to know everything I went though while he was gone and how I felt about things,
So I wrote a letter, for me
To make things better for me!
Warning, what I have to say in this letter is not going to be nice; it is not going to be kind. Because at the end of the day this is not about you, this is about Anthony and I. As of right now I can’t talk for Anthony however, I can talk for me and this is everything I have to say and must say for me! I would tell you everything over the phone but as of right now that would not be the best for me. So if you do not want to hear the cold mean truth from me than I would recommend that you do not read anymore than this.
I have often wondered what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths or came in contact with each other. When I was younger my only question was “WHY?”
… did you leave us when you tried to fight for us in court? Hell, why did you leave?
Now I know that it was not all your fault that there were 4 key players, my mother, grandparents and YOU, for you not being in our life. But you were the one who was not there at the end of it all. 20 years after not knowing if you were dead or alive and having no contact with much of your side of the family, until 2000 I had not talked with any of them. Once I had talked with Doug it was only for a short time (a month max) and he had no insight as to where you were. However, I do have a connection with them and I plan to keep it that way!
When we talked on the phone for the first time, it pissed me off, so much that I was never sure that I wanted to talk with you again. When you informed me that you were easy to find and WE should have found you. WE, WE, we were the kids in the picture and it wasn’t up to us and should have never been left up to us! I will admit that we did look for you, but at the end of the day YOU should have been the one to find us. Did you know that I made it easy, my entire life to be found on the internet, I kept me maiden name open while I have been married in hopes that MAYBE you would look for us… maybe.
But after I was about 17 I decided that I didn’t want a man in my life that clearly didn’t put forth the effort to be in mine, because at the end of the day you were not there. While I still have issues with that fact I didn’t let it rule my life!
When we talked I almost felt you wanted me to feel guilty for you because you have been off drugs and fought really hard to stay clean and that you wanted to take care of you. Well, that is all well and fine however, my mother went through her AA and NA, taking us along the way to make sure that she fought for herself and us. Since, she has gotten clean, my mother has fought with being clean, but you know what she did it and raised us!
While you may have had many surgeries and a rough life, dealing with yourself. But I have had it rough too, because as a kid I wondered what I did to make you leave, what I did wrong. Only to learn that it wasn’t me, it was YOU.
Clearly I am not a nice person, I have been told many times that I am rather mean, but you know what, I really don’t care because I speak my mind!
As for you coming out here, which would not be for the best, because I am not sure that I even want to see you right now. You see I am bipolar to the extreme and the built up anger and issues that I have with you wouldn’t be good for me. I am not sure how I would react to seeing you. So please don’t make any major plans to come out here.
If I end up coming out to Cali, don’t expect me to come and see you because I am not sure that I really want to as of now. Also, why should I allow you to be in my life now, family is the most important thing for me and I will not allow you to come in a mess up the happiness that I have built without you.
We can talk on the phone and maybe just maybe one day I may be ok with you coming out here, but that is a LONG time from now.
To make things better, for me
To make me better
I want him to know everything I went though while he was gone and how I felt about things,
So I wrote a letter, for me
To make things better for me!
Warning, what I have to say in this letter is not going to be nice; it is not going to be kind. Because at the end of the day this is not about you, this is about Anthony and I. As of right now I can’t talk for Anthony however, I can talk for me and this is everything I have to say and must say for me! I would tell you everything over the phone but as of right now that would not be the best for me. So if you do not want to hear the cold mean truth from me than I would recommend that you do not read anymore than this.
I have often wondered what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths or came in contact with each other. When I was younger my only question was “WHY?”
… did you leave us when you tried to fight for us in court? Hell, why did you leave?
Now I know that it was not all your fault that there were 4 key players, my mother, grandparents and YOU, for you not being in our life. But you were the one who was not there at the end of it all. 20 years after not knowing if you were dead or alive and having no contact with much of your side of the family, until 2000 I had not talked with any of them. Once I had talked with Doug it was only for a short time (a month max) and he had no insight as to where you were. However, I do have a connection with them and I plan to keep it that way!
When we talked on the phone for the first time, it pissed me off, so much that I was never sure that I wanted to talk with you again. When you informed me that you were easy to find and WE should have found you. WE, WE, we were the kids in the picture and it wasn’t up to us and should have never been left up to us! I will admit that we did look for you, but at the end of the day YOU should have been the one to find us. Did you know that I made it easy, my entire life to be found on the internet, I kept me maiden name open while I have been married in hopes that MAYBE you would look for us… maybe.
But after I was about 17 I decided that I didn’t want a man in my life that clearly didn’t put forth the effort to be in mine, because at the end of the day you were not there. While I still have issues with that fact I didn’t let it rule my life!
When we talked I almost felt you wanted me to feel guilty for you because you have been off drugs and fought really hard to stay clean and that you wanted to take care of you. Well, that is all well and fine however, my mother went through her AA and NA, taking us along the way to make sure that she fought for herself and us. Since, she has gotten clean, my mother has fought with being clean, but you know what she did it and raised us!
While you may have had many surgeries and a rough life, dealing with yourself. But I have had it rough too, because as a kid I wondered what I did to make you leave, what I did wrong. Only to learn that it wasn’t me, it was YOU.
Clearly I am not a nice person, I have been told many times that I am rather mean, but you know what, I really don’t care because I speak my mind!
As for you coming out here, which would not be for the best, because I am not sure that I even want to see you right now. You see I am bipolar to the extreme and the built up anger and issues that I have with you wouldn’t be good for me. I am not sure how I would react to seeing you. So please don’t make any major plans to come out here.
If I end up coming out to Cali, don’t expect me to come and see you because I am not sure that I really want to as of now. Also, why should I allow you to be in my life now, family is the most important thing for me and I will not allow you to come in a mess up the happiness that I have built without you.
We can talk on the phone and maybe just maybe one day I may be ok with you coming out here, but that is a LONG time from now.
Monday, May 3, 2010
What is Fragile X?
On the eve of everyone knowing that I am going to have another child, I am led back in time to when I found out that my son and daughters were diagnosed with Fragile X.
All the emotion and fears that came to my mind when I was told what was going on, and how our lives would change from that moment on.
I tried to explain what the outcome of me having another would mean to the baby and what it would mean for the family. I find that even though I had explained it before when this little life is brought into the world, denial for what I carry and pass onto my kids come from outside sources.
The idea that if this child is a boy that 'it' will not suffer with the Fragile X as my son does is Ludicrous! The doctors told me that the likely hood would be slim to non existent. But hay what do they know... they only study it for a living.
I hope for a girl, but the outcome of a girl is likely to be the same as my son is a possibility (smaller but still.)
We are not ready for another baby, but I will love the baby and we will make it!
But definition Fragile X is:
Fragile X is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment. This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities (sometimes referred to as mental retardation). Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features, anxiety, and delays in speech and language development. Fragile X syndrome is also the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.
In my world, Fragile X is a family member that has changed everything I knew about life and love. My son has opened my eyes to a world that is different and scary. But most of all it has become a world that is not negative, but a life changing even for us all.
All the emotion and fears that came to my mind when I was told what was going on, and how our lives would change from that moment on.
I tried to explain what the outcome of me having another would mean to the baby and what it would mean for the family. I find that even though I had explained it before when this little life is brought into the world, denial for what I carry and pass onto my kids come from outside sources.
The idea that if this child is a boy that 'it' will not suffer with the Fragile X as my son does is Ludicrous! The doctors told me that the likely hood would be slim to non existent. But hay what do they know... they only study it for a living.
I hope for a girl, but the outcome of a girl is likely to be the same as my son is a possibility (smaller but still.)
We are not ready for another baby, but I will love the baby and we will make it!
But definition Fragile X is:
Fragile X is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment. This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities (sometimes referred to as mental retardation). Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features, anxiety, and delays in speech and language development. Fragile X syndrome is also the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.
In my world, Fragile X is a family member that has changed everything I knew about life and love. My son has opened my eyes to a world that is different and scary. But most of all it has become a world that is not negative, but a life changing even for us all.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I am, I am, I am
I'm mean
I'm spoiled
I'm a bitch
These are the things that I keep being told by others. I have come to a point in my life that I am who I and I have changed and been affected by all the things I have done in my life. There are things that I will never talk about, things that I can joke about and things that I am open about. I can't say that I regret anything that I have done in my life, because without those crazy, stupid and reckless things that I have done I wouldn't be me.
There comes a time in someones life that they have to realize that there is nothing that they can do about their past, only learn to live with it and to take things one day at a time.
It was brought to my attention that there are some in my family that had some other wise not so nice things to say about me having my kids at an age that 'society' deems too young and to those I say get over yourself. (however, Karma came back at you didn't it!) I would never change the time that I had my children! I was young and able to keep up with them, my son would have Fragile X with or without me being young. So, I have learned more from my kids than I could ever learn from some school.
My husband tells me that I am a mean person... I don't care what people think and I don't realize how I come across to others. When I don't think that I am saying something mean others think that what I said was mean and out of line. I feel like if you don't want to know how I feel or what I think about something then don't ask me. I don't want people to sugar coat things for me I want the truth... but I have learned that many say that they want the truth and inside that is not what they mean and that is when I am considered mean. Maybe you should not ask me if that is not what you want to hear, or here is an idea ask me to lie to you an I so can do that! : )
I have had many people in my life tell me what I should do and should not do, but I finally came to a point in my life that I stopped letting people walk over me and I quit caring what others think. I started to do the things for me and not worrying how or what I did or didn't do.
This is the conclusion that I have some to about myself..
I am a born leader, opinionated, moody and unafraid of what people have to say about it!
Many say that I'm intimidating until you get to know me...I guess it's the "aura" I give off...a strong, independent, bull-shit-free personality.
Easy going, funny, and big hearted.
I try not to pass judgment and always try to remain open minded.
Driven, out going, and very honest.
Honestly if you wanna know if your ass looks fat in those jeans, just call me, I'll tell ya..I'm 100% honest, I won't sugar coat anything for you unless you're a little kid or something :}
I am not afraid to say it how it is.
I love to have fun and to travel, although I don't think I do nearly enough of it.
In short at the end of the day I am me! Who can fault me for that?!?!
I'm spoiled
I'm a bitch
These are the things that I keep being told by others. I have come to a point in my life that I am who I and I have changed and been affected by all the things I have done in my life. There are things that I will never talk about, things that I can joke about and things that I am open about. I can't say that I regret anything that I have done in my life, because without those crazy, stupid and reckless things that I have done I wouldn't be me.
There comes a time in someones life that they have to realize that there is nothing that they can do about their past, only learn to live with it and to take things one day at a time.
It was brought to my attention that there are some in my family that had some other wise not so nice things to say about me having my kids at an age that 'society' deems too young and to those I say get over yourself. (however, Karma came back at you didn't it!) I would never change the time that I had my children! I was young and able to keep up with them, my son would have Fragile X with or without me being young. So, I have learned more from my kids than I could ever learn from some school.
My husband tells me that I am a mean person... I don't care what people think and I don't realize how I come across to others. When I don't think that I am saying something mean others think that what I said was mean and out of line. I feel like if you don't want to know how I feel or what I think about something then don't ask me. I don't want people to sugar coat things for me I want the truth... but I have learned that many say that they want the truth and inside that is not what they mean and that is when I am considered mean. Maybe you should not ask me if that is not what you want to hear, or here is an idea ask me to lie to you an I so can do that! : )
I have had many people in my life tell me what I should do and should not do, but I finally came to a point in my life that I stopped letting people walk over me and I quit caring what others think. I started to do the things for me and not worrying how or what I did or didn't do.
This is the conclusion that I have some to about myself..
I am a born leader, opinionated, moody and unafraid of what people have to say about it!
Many say that I'm intimidating until you get to know me...I guess it's the "aura" I give off...a strong, independent, bull-shit-free personality.
Easy going, funny, and big hearted.
I try not to pass judgment and always try to remain open minded.
Driven, out going, and very honest.
Honestly if you wanna know if your ass looks fat in those jeans, just call me, I'll tell ya..I'm 100% honest, I won't sugar coat anything for you unless you're a little kid or something :}
I am not afraid to say it how it is.
I love to have fun and to travel, although I don't think I do nearly enough of it.
In short at the end of the day I am me! Who can fault me for that?!?!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Father
As I was driving down the road... which I must say I do wonderfully! But that is off topic.
Anyways, as I was driving to pick up the kids, from school, on this beautiful day I had the radio up and a song came on that makes me run though a series of emotions.
Sweet Child of Mine by Guns & Roses came across the air waves and in the 5 minutes that it was one I believe that I went though every emotion from anger to contentment.
As you ask how is it possible that you can flow though such emotion from a single song.. for me this song contains memories that I want to remember and ones that I would like to never think of again.
Since I began to talk to my fathers side of the family, it makes me wonder why he would leave his own children.
I understand that everyone in my family has their own story as to why he is not around and while I realistically will never know that answer to that... I have grown to question if I ever want to know why.
One of the only memories I have of my father and myself are sitting on his lap and him singing that song to me.
When I was about 9 years old I am not sure what brought it on because I would have been about 3-4 when he did that, but I asked my mother about what I remembered and she told me that it used to happen all the time.
I would crawl up in his lap and when the song came on he would sing it to me. As my mother said I was his mini me and in my eyes he could do no wrong.
Then he walked out of our lives... and now as I listen to that song I am flooded with the one happy memory that I have of him and the anger that he could leave his children.
I don't really remember what he looks like, however if you talk to anyone in my family they tell me to look in the mirror. Yet for me at times that really is not enough...
I love that song, no matter what I have to say about the memories... even if one day they are good or bad or if they are just memories that we all have to live with.
Sweet child of Mine makes me smile, angry, over-joyed, or content with the way that my life or mind is!
HAHAHAHAAA I just realized I might have issues...
NO NO wait...
I already knew that and there was no question about it!!
Anyways, as I was driving to pick up the kids, from school, on this beautiful day I had the radio up and a song came on that makes me run though a series of emotions.
Sweet Child of Mine by Guns & Roses came across the air waves and in the 5 minutes that it was one I believe that I went though every emotion from anger to contentment.
As you ask how is it possible that you can flow though such emotion from a single song.. for me this song contains memories that I want to remember and ones that I would like to never think of again.
Since I began to talk to my fathers side of the family, it makes me wonder why he would leave his own children.
I understand that everyone in my family has their own story as to why he is not around and while I realistically will never know that answer to that... I have grown to question if I ever want to know why.
One of the only memories I have of my father and myself are sitting on his lap and him singing that song to me.
When I was about 9 years old I am not sure what brought it on because I would have been about 3-4 when he did that, but I asked my mother about what I remembered and she told me that it used to happen all the time.
I would crawl up in his lap and when the song came on he would sing it to me. As my mother said I was his mini me and in my eyes he could do no wrong.
Then he walked out of our lives... and now as I listen to that song I am flooded with the one happy memory that I have of him and the anger that he could leave his children.
I don't really remember what he looks like, however if you talk to anyone in my family they tell me to look in the mirror. Yet for me at times that really is not enough...
I love that song, no matter what I have to say about the memories... even if one day they are good or bad or if they are just memories that we all have to live with.
Sweet child of Mine makes me smile, angry, over-joyed, or content with the way that my life or mind is!
HAHAHAHAAA I just realized I might have issues...
NO NO wait...
I already knew that and there was no question about it!!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Me in a Nut Shell Part 1
So here I start to write about the past that I have such a hard time talking about. There are things in my past that feeling like a dream and in a way are stored in my memory as one. This is meant to help me open up, share those dreams.
At the start of my parents separation, my mother, brother and I were picked up by some friend's of my mothers and we were going to stay there for a few days til things calmed down with her and my father. This night seemed like most CA nights, stars and the moon hidden behind all the lights of the city, the warmth that you grow to love every night, and the sounds of all the people surrounding you going about their lives without noticing others. We pulled up to the apartment complex and pulled all our stuff up the first door of the second floor apartment. As we walked into the already open door, I noticed some older boys outside, having fun jumping off the railing of the second floor and landing on the ground, I wanted to sit and watch but was hurried in by my mother. As we entered through the door of the living room, it contained a house full of adults and a bunch of playing children in a bedroom. Immediately my brother and I were sent to the room to go and play with the other children and told to stay there until supper was finished.
However, I had other things on my mind, the older boys outside and why they were jumping off of the railing! So, being the curious little child I was, I decided that I would go outside and find out more. I snuck out past a room filled with grownups and out into the night time air, one of the three boys were fixing to jump and I sat on the top step and watched them.
As one of them came back up the stairs he stopped and asked "would you like to try and jump."
I replied, "No, I don't want to."
Their joined response was, "No means yes and yes means no,"
I was put up on the railing and pushed off. I don't remember feeling any pain at first, come to think of it I don’t remember the fall or even hitting the ground. I felt as though I couldn’t walk and so I crawled over to the steps and I felt something warm and wet running down my face this sent me into shock. I touched my hand to my face to see what it was, as I pulled back my hand and saw blood, my immediate response was to start screaming for my mother. Within a few seconds she was there and yelling for someone to call 911. She asked if I was in pain and to my surprise I was not, I was just scared.
During the divorce between my mother and father, my little brother and I were caught in the middle, of a nasty fight. One afternoon, Anthony and I were going to see my father at the ‘meeting place’ as we were told. As we entered the waiting room of this office, we become bombard by a uncomfortable atmosphere of people who want to be there as much as we did. The walls of the room are ocean blue, with Little Mermaid characters, used toys being played with by children, next to these children are their parents seated in uncomfortable, black, plastic chairs, thinking of all the other places that they would rather be.
As we were seated to wait for my father, my mother sat there, talked and played with us, about 10-15 minutes later my father walked through the door with the usual box of gifts such as; Beauty and the Beast video, Barbies, and Turtles. These gifts are the types of things that my father brought to us all the time, and in that moment of joy for seeing my father, I was suddenly hit by a wave of sadness that I couldn't explain to my father about. We were taken to the visiting room, a room that looked like something out of a police interrogation room, blane walls with cartoon characters, a large mirror on one wall, a couch, and more piles of used toys, this room was a something that I couldn't stand to be in. I sat in that room that we were taken to and played with the toys that my father brought all the while I was hoping that things would be great again in our lives.
The time came that we needed to leave and my father walked with us out the building and down the street. We came to the street corner and parted ways with him. I remember holding the newest barbie, my brother holding his turtle, and saying our goodbyes, as he turned and walked the other way and we waited for the light to turn for us to cross the street I took my mother's hand and asked her, "Was daddy trying to buy our love so we would go and live with him?" I am not sure now how I came to that or why I asked when even at that time I knew the answer. She looked down at me and answered, "Yea, I guess that you could look at it that way." So that was the end of that conversation.
Even at the age of 5, I watched the way that people acted and talked, in some way maybe that is what gave me the insight to realize the types of people that were in my life. This life's lesson is something that has brought me to become the person that I am today.
At the start of my parents separation, my mother, brother and I were picked up by some friend's of my mothers and we were going to stay there for a few days til things calmed down with her and my father. This night seemed like most CA nights, stars and the moon hidden behind all the lights of the city, the warmth that you grow to love every night, and the sounds of all the people surrounding you going about their lives without noticing others. We pulled up to the apartment complex and pulled all our stuff up the first door of the second floor apartment. As we walked into the already open door, I noticed some older boys outside, having fun jumping off the railing of the second floor and landing on the ground, I wanted to sit and watch but was hurried in by my mother. As we entered through the door of the living room, it contained a house full of adults and a bunch of playing children in a bedroom. Immediately my brother and I were sent to the room to go and play with the other children and told to stay there until supper was finished.
However, I had other things on my mind, the older boys outside and why they were jumping off of the railing! So, being the curious little child I was, I decided that I would go outside and find out more. I snuck out past a room filled with grownups and out into the night time air, one of the three boys were fixing to jump and I sat on the top step and watched them.
As one of them came back up the stairs he stopped and asked "would you like to try and jump."
I replied, "No, I don't want to."
Their joined response was, "No means yes and yes means no,"
I was put up on the railing and pushed off. I don't remember feeling any pain at first, come to think of it I don’t remember the fall or even hitting the ground. I felt as though I couldn’t walk and so I crawled over to the steps and I felt something warm and wet running down my face this sent me into shock. I touched my hand to my face to see what it was, as I pulled back my hand and saw blood, my immediate response was to start screaming for my mother. Within a few seconds she was there and yelling for someone to call 911. She asked if I was in pain and to my surprise I was not, I was just scared.
During the divorce between my mother and father, my little brother and I were caught in the middle, of a nasty fight. One afternoon, Anthony and I were going to see my father at the ‘meeting place’ as we were told. As we entered the waiting room of this office, we become bombard by a uncomfortable atmosphere of people who want to be there as much as we did. The walls of the room are ocean blue, with Little Mermaid characters, used toys being played with by children, next to these children are their parents seated in uncomfortable, black, plastic chairs, thinking of all the other places that they would rather be.
As we were seated to wait for my father, my mother sat there, talked and played with us, about 10-15 minutes later my father walked through the door with the usual box of gifts such as; Beauty and the Beast video, Barbies, and Turtles. These gifts are the types of things that my father brought to us all the time, and in that moment of joy for seeing my father, I was suddenly hit by a wave of sadness that I couldn't explain to my father about. We were taken to the visiting room, a room that looked like something out of a police interrogation room, blane walls with cartoon characters, a large mirror on one wall, a couch, and more piles of used toys, this room was a something that I couldn't stand to be in. I sat in that room that we were taken to and played with the toys that my father brought all the while I was hoping that things would be great again in our lives.
The time came that we needed to leave and my father walked with us out the building and down the street. We came to the street corner and parted ways with him. I remember holding the newest barbie, my brother holding his turtle, and saying our goodbyes, as he turned and walked the other way and we waited for the light to turn for us to cross the street I took my mother's hand and asked her, "Was daddy trying to buy our love so we would go and live with him?" I am not sure now how I came to that or why I asked when even at that time I knew the answer. She looked down at me and answered, "Yea, I guess that you could look at it that way." So that was the end of that conversation.
Even at the age of 5, I watched the way that people acted and talked, in some way maybe that is what gave me the insight to realize the types of people that were in my life. This life's lesson is something that has brought me to become the person that I am today.
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