Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Not as Stong as I Seem.

I got told today that someone was amazed that I have not had a break down. That I have not freaked out or had a nervous break down. They told me that there were some people in some sort of same position as me who don't have it as 'rough' as me who just lose it and freak out.

There are times when I wonder the same thing, how can I be strong enough to handle three kids, one on the way, a husband, school and a messed up mind like mine.

I am not as strong as I seem to be!

It is a every day fight for me to keep from falling apart, on the outside you would never know it because I am mean, I am a fighter and I don't let things get to me that most people would let in.

I have lived my life knowing that there was something not quite the same as others around me. Knowing that my life was different, inside my mind I was different.

Knowing that everyone is different, but I carried something that I would later in life learn really made me different. There was a reason that might help explain why I may act sane one day and not quit the same the next, crazy almost.

I am bipolar and I feel that when I was 14 and I was told that this would explain everything that I was going to be going through, yet I knew that there was something more.

Over the years since I found out that I was bipolar I figured out that this was something that I was going to have to live with and not let it control me.

This was what keeps me going, it was not letting my 'disorder' control me.

I have lived life one day at a time and I have let my disorder take over my life and run me, like when I was 15. And yet I would never go back and change what I have done in my past, but I would not want to do it again while I am this age and ever changing in my daily life.

15 was a hard age for me, while I did have lots of fun I learned that I can't let my disorder rule me like it did then.

Now I will not lie to you, there are times in my life that I can't control what is going on the inside/outside of my head, but the difference is that this time I can see the problems that I am facing and I can push though them, I can channel all the things to move me forward and out of the troubled minds that lead ahead for me.

I have learned my triggers, how to stop them from ruling my life and how to show myself that I am in control of me and not my 'disorder'. For that I am truly a happier person.

So, when you look at me and think how I am as strong as I appear, just remember that I am not as strong as I look, but I am strong enough to get me through!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Letter to a man I don't really know...

I just want to call him, yell and get all the anger out of me...
To make things better, for me
To make me better

I want him to know everything I went though while he was gone and how I felt about things,
So I wrote a letter, for me
To make things better for me!

Warning, what I have to say in this letter is not going to be nice; it is not going to be kind. Because at the end of the day this is not about you, this is about Anthony and I. As of right now I can’t talk for Anthony however, I can talk for me and this is everything I have to say and must say for me! I would tell you everything over the phone but as of right now that would not be the best for me. So if you do not want to hear the cold mean truth from me than I would recommend that you do not read anymore than this.

I have often wondered what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths or came in contact with each other. When I was younger my only question was “WHY?”

… did you leave us when you tried to fight for us in court? Hell, why did you leave?
Now I know that it was not all your fault that there were 4 key players, my mother, grandparents and YOU, for you not being in our life. But you were the one who was not there at the end of it all. 20 years after not knowing if you were dead or alive and having no contact with much of your side of the family, until 2000 I had not talked with any of them. Once I had talked with Doug it was only for a short time (a month max) and he had no insight as to where you were. However, I do have a connection with them and I plan to keep it that way!

When we talked on the phone for the first time, it pissed me off, so much that I was never sure that I wanted to talk with you again. When you informed me that you were easy to find and WE should have found you. WE, WE, we were the kids in the picture and it wasn’t up to us and should have never been left up to us! I will admit that we did look for you, but at the end of the day YOU should have been the one to find us. Did you know that I made it easy, my entire life to be found on the internet, I kept me maiden name open while I have been married in hopes that MAYBE you would look for us… maybe.

But after I was about 17 I decided that I didn’t want a man in my life that clearly didn’t put forth the effort to be in mine, because at the end of the day you were not there. While I still have issues with that fact I didn’t let it rule my life!
When we talked I almost felt you wanted me to feel guilty for you because you have been off drugs and fought really hard to stay clean and that you wanted to take care of you. Well, that is all well and fine however, my mother went through her AA and NA, taking us along the way to make sure that she fought for herself and us. Since, she has gotten clean, my mother has fought with being clean, but you know what she did it and raised us!

While you may have had many surgeries and a rough life, dealing with yourself. But I have had it rough too, because as a kid I wondered what I did to make you leave, what I did wrong. Only to learn that it wasn’t me, it was YOU.
Clearly I am not a nice person, I have been told many times that I am rather mean, but you know what, I really don’t care because I speak my mind!
As for you coming out here, which would not be for the best, because I am not sure that I even want to see you right now. You see I am bipolar to the extreme and the built up anger and issues that I have with you wouldn’t be good for me. I am not sure how I would react to seeing you. So please don’t make any major plans to come out here.

If I end up coming out to Cali, don’t expect me to come and see you because I am not sure that I really want to as of now. Also, why should I allow you to be in my life now, family is the most important thing for me and I will not allow you to come in a mess up the happiness that I have built without you.

We can talk on the phone and maybe just maybe one day I may be ok with you coming out here, but that is a LONG time from now.

Monday, May 3, 2010

What is Fragile X?

On the eve of everyone knowing that I am going to have another child, I am led back in time to when I found out that my son and daughters were diagnosed with Fragile X.

All the emotion and fears that came to my mind when I was told what was going on, and how our lives would change from that moment on.

I tried to explain what the outcome of me having another would mean to the baby and what it would mean for the family. I find that even though I had explained it before when this little life is brought into the world, denial for what I carry and pass onto my kids come from outside sources.

The idea that if this child is a boy that 'it' will not suffer with the Fragile X as my son does is Ludicrous! The doctors told me that the likely hood would be slim to non existent. But hay what do they know... they only study it for a living.

I hope for a girl, but the outcome of a girl is likely to be the same as my son is a possibility (smaller but still.)

We are not ready for another baby, but I will love the baby and we will make it!

But definition Fragile X is:

Fragile X is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment. This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities (sometimes referred to as mental retardation). Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features, anxiety, and delays in speech and language development. Fragile X syndrome is also the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.

In my world, Fragile X is a family member that has changed everything I knew about life and love. My son has opened my eyes to a world that is different and scary. But most of all it has become a world that is not negative, but a life changing even for us all.