I got told today that someone was amazed that I have not had a break down. That I have not freaked out or had a nervous break down. They told me that there were some people in some sort of same position as me who don't have it as 'rough' as me who just lose it and freak out.
There are times when I wonder the same thing, how can I be strong enough to handle three kids, one on the way, a husband, school and a messed up mind like mine.
I am not as strong as I seem to be!
It is a every day fight for me to keep from falling apart, on the outside you would never know it because I am mean, I am a fighter and I don't let things get to me that most people would let in.
I have lived my life knowing that there was something not quite the same as others around me. Knowing that my life was different, inside my mind I was different.
Knowing that everyone is different, but I carried something that I would later in life learn really made me different. There was a reason that might help explain why I may act sane one day and not quit the same the next, crazy almost.
I am bipolar and I feel that when I was 14 and I was told that this would explain everything that I was going to be going through, yet I knew that there was something more.
Over the years since I found out that I was bipolar I figured out that this was something that I was going to have to live with and not let it control me.
This was what keeps me going, it was not letting my 'disorder' control me.
I have lived life one day at a time and I have let my disorder take over my life and run me, like when I was 15. And yet I would never go back and change what I have done in my past, but I would not want to do it again while I am this age and ever changing in my daily life.
15 was a hard age for me, while I did have lots of fun I learned that I can't let my disorder rule me like it did then.
Now I will not lie to you, there are times in my life that I can't control what is going on the inside/outside of my head, but the difference is that this time I can see the problems that I am facing and I can push though them, I can channel all the things to move me forward and out of the troubled minds that lead ahead for me.
I have learned my triggers, how to stop them from ruling my life and how to show myself that I am in control of me and not my 'disorder'. For that I am truly a happier person.
So, when you look at me and think how I am as strong as I appear, just remember that I am not as strong as I look, but I am strong enough to get me through!