Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Me Two Years Ago Vs. Me Now

At a party for a friend of mine's and my birthday party I was having a discussion with a friend and a friend of hers. We discussed politics, religion and then we got on the topic of disabilities, government aid and my choice on kids.

First I will explain what I said and then what would have been said and done.

Person 1 - friend of a friend, against government aid and my choice for kids. She works in a hospital in patho.

Person 2 - friend of mine who understand the need for government aid and choices. She works with people who have disabilities.

We were talking and person 1 expressed how she felt about people with disabilities and that they should not get government aid. She said she should not have to pay for someone else's bills and that there should not be social security, because people should learn to take care of their future themselves.

This upset me, but I kept calm and explained my said of it: I told her that most can't hold a job or even function in normal society without having some difficulties. My son can't enter a store without freaking out and he might not ever be able to get a job and will most likely will live with me or in care of someone forever. His doctor bills are too high for us to pay for without some kind of help. I see more specialist than you can imagine. However, I am going to college and I hope that one day his need for this aid will lower!

Person 2 explains that she works with people who don't have the ability to hold a job, they want some independence and the aid they get helps them keep some independence. Having a child with disabilities is hard enough without having more stress about getting medical bills that they can't pay.

This discussion continued and person 1 still stuck to her side that she didn't want to pay for others and that the government wasn't meant to help people in that way.

I told her she should try and have a child with disabilities and I knew her tune would change.

Then person 1 asked me how I could have more children if I knew I had a genetic disorder and if I have one disabilities.

This really pushed my buttons...

I told her that I didn't know I had the genetic disorder until I already had my first three kids. (Being upset figures went out the window) Having a girl with the full mutation of FXS is slim and there are chances that you can also have a boy without the disability. You (person 1) should know that medical breakthroughs that happen everyday; that there will be a day that there is a cure or a way that people who have it are not as debilitated by it. If I decided to have 10 more kids it will be my choice and I will take care of them just like I am now!!

Person 2 defended me and said that she knows someone who had a child with Down's and they decided to have another child.. because they knew the chances of having another one with Downs is slim.. however, they did have another one with it. But they get aid and the kids are growing up with parents who want to love and take care of them.

I stayed calm during this whole conversation and didn't fly off the rails...


Had this happened two years ago that would not have ended with me upset and still talking.

It would have ended with me going to jail for kicking her a*s because she was rude and unkind about her opinions.

I get now that everyone is entitled to the way that they feel.. no matter how pissed I get or how one sided their way of thinking is!

Growth is a b*tch sometimes!

Monday, May 2, 2011

But.. Sometimes

A friend of mine posted this:

I'm a little girl or a little boy
Sometimes I run real fast or jump real high,
Sometimes I just watch planes in the sky
Sometimes I must have my favorite toy
Having it close gives my joy.
Sometimes I think the same as you or your friends
Sometimes I say something again and again.
Sometimes I have words inside my head
a scream comes out instead.
Sit with me, play with me, or beside me
I'll watch you and know what to do.
Sometimes I flap my hands!
Do you suck your thumb?
Neither of us is dumb!
I like pizza, french fries, movies and bowling too!
I got a Nana, an Auntie or two.
Sometimes I laugh a lot or spin around.
Sometimes I'll plop right down on the ground.
Instead of saying no I don't want to,
I just stare and look down.
Look into my eyes even if I just stare,
You know what?
I'm in here.

This could have been wrote about my lil man. It makes me feel sad that there are so many times that my son has been looked at like he was not the same as ever other kid..

There are days to look at him and watch him you would think that there was nothing wrong

There are days that he goes and 'plays' football all on his own with other kids that you think.. there is nothing wrong.

However, my lil man

Believe What You Want

WARNING: This is an entry that is honest and not for those who don't want to hear how I truly feel!
If you read on and don't like what I have to say.. you can't say I didn't warn you! <3

A common posed question that comes from living in what is known as the 'Bible Belt' is "why don't you attend church?" Some have posed this question and began preaching about God.

Personally I have come to a cross road, where my childhood belief in God has been replaced by more questions that has paused my belief that there is a God and if there is..

How could he allow the things to happen to me as a child, (the MANY types of abuse I endured), or any child for that matter and say that. Then to top it all off... if you ask for forgiveness for what you did to supposably God's children you can still be saved.. REALLY.. I mean REALLY!

The Bible a book written by MAN is what everyone is supposed to follow.. well on my time on earth.. I have learned MEN LIE. Hell, everyone lies.

I could go on for hours at this point and I know that EVERYONE could argue their points and religion with me until we are all blue in the face.

However, changing my mind is not going to happen just like changing your mind will not either. I can see that many want something to believe in and I can understand that.. but I am not sure that I could agree with every point that is made.

My disbelief spans from many things that have happened in my life.. what don't kill us makes us stronger right.. WRONG.. it inevitably changes the way our mentality works and what we think about life from that point on.

I am going to live my life the way I feel and if at the end of the day I am wrong.. then I did it my way and I was happy while I did it.

Who would fault me for that?!?!

SO at the end of the day when you question my soul and how I live my life.. Know that as a child I grew up in the church and was still abused as a child! After I was 'saved' in that church I got even MORE abuse..

Now I question every aspect that you believe in and I can understand if you want to question mine.

I will not push my views on you and I would like it if you didn't push your view on me.

I allow my children to attend church and figure out for themselves how they feel at the end of the day.

But I am happy with the choices I have made for my life and that is the way I want to live this life!