Thursday, May 13, 2010

Letter to a man I don't really know...

I just want to call him, yell and get all the anger out of me...
To make things better, for me
To make me better

I want him to know everything I went though while he was gone and how I felt about things,
So I wrote a letter, for me
To make things better for me!

Warning, what I have to say in this letter is not going to be nice; it is not going to be kind. Because at the end of the day this is not about you, this is about Anthony and I. As of right now I can’t talk for Anthony however, I can talk for me and this is everything I have to say and must say for me! I would tell you everything over the phone but as of right now that would not be the best for me. So if you do not want to hear the cold mean truth from me than I would recommend that you do not read anymore than this.

I have often wondered what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths or came in contact with each other. When I was younger my only question was “WHY?”

… did you leave us when you tried to fight for us in court? Hell, why did you leave?
Now I know that it was not all your fault that there were 4 key players, my mother, grandparents and YOU, for you not being in our life. But you were the one who was not there at the end of it all. 20 years after not knowing if you were dead or alive and having no contact with much of your side of the family, until 2000 I had not talked with any of them. Once I had talked with Doug it was only for a short time (a month max) and he had no insight as to where you were. However, I do have a connection with them and I plan to keep it that way!

When we talked on the phone for the first time, it pissed me off, so much that I was never sure that I wanted to talk with you again. When you informed me that you were easy to find and WE should have found you. WE, WE, we were the kids in the picture and it wasn’t up to us and should have never been left up to us! I will admit that we did look for you, but at the end of the day YOU should have been the one to find us. Did you know that I made it easy, my entire life to be found on the internet, I kept me maiden name open while I have been married in hopes that MAYBE you would look for us… maybe.

But after I was about 17 I decided that I didn’t want a man in my life that clearly didn’t put forth the effort to be in mine, because at the end of the day you were not there. While I still have issues with that fact I didn’t let it rule my life!
When we talked I almost felt you wanted me to feel guilty for you because you have been off drugs and fought really hard to stay clean and that you wanted to take care of you. Well, that is all well and fine however, my mother went through her AA and NA, taking us along the way to make sure that she fought for herself and us. Since, she has gotten clean, my mother has fought with being clean, but you know what she did it and raised us!

While you may have had many surgeries and a rough life, dealing with yourself. But I have had it rough too, because as a kid I wondered what I did to make you leave, what I did wrong. Only to learn that it wasn’t me, it was YOU.
Clearly I am not a nice person, I have been told many times that I am rather mean, but you know what, I really don’t care because I speak my mind!
As for you coming out here, which would not be for the best, because I am not sure that I even want to see you right now. You see I am bipolar to the extreme and the built up anger and issues that I have with you wouldn’t be good for me. I am not sure how I would react to seeing you. So please don’t make any major plans to come out here.

If I end up coming out to Cali, don’t expect me to come and see you because I am not sure that I really want to as of now. Also, why should I allow you to be in my life now, family is the most important thing for me and I will not allow you to come in a mess up the happiness that I have built without you.

We can talk on the phone and maybe just maybe one day I may be ok with you coming out here, but that is a LONG time from now.

1 comment:

  1. April, I know exactly how hard this must have been for you. I have been there, done that & earned that tshirt! Things didn't end up well in my situation as you know. No matter what, always remember that you are a strong individual! If you ever need to talk or just vent you have my number. Take care hun!