RIP Misty Payne

Misty Payne

September 09, 1980-July 13, 2011

Although, we may not have talked that much,

Our heart still broke today.

You went on to another place,

And left us here to stay.

We're not sure where to go from here,

But we will remember you always.

Until we meet again..

Somehow, some way.

The night I lost a wonderful friend, this came to me before I fell to sleep. It is hard to lose a friend that young with such a wonderful family that will miss her dearly. Every word I said came from the heart.. Misty you will always be missed and loved by so many.

Sorry

I seen this on a fellow bloggers page and I fely like I needed to post it and fit it to follow the many times I have had to say that I am Sorry.. because lets face it.. we all have more times than we can count.

A letter to my children, in hopes that they will learn from my words.

You will have to apologize more times in your life than you can even imagine. Yes, when you are young you will think that you could never possibly be wrong. But you will be. Oh how you will be. You will do things for which you are ashamed. You will hurt the people who are closest to you. You will say words you wish you could take back. Inevitably, there will be friendships that will be irreparably fractured. It happens to all of us. It is called being human.

It seems like apologizing would be something easy to do, but it isn’t. So just how do you apologize? I have compiled some rules for you to follow.

Rule #1:

Resist the urge to use the word “but.” You will want to. You will want to explain your actions or your words, whatever it is that has caused the other person pain; don’t do it. The word “but” negates all the words that came before it.

Rule #2:

Apologize for your actions. Take Responsibility!! Even if you think that the other person has some fault in the argument, apologize for your part.

Rule #3:

The most important thing is to be sincere. Look the person in the eye. Don’t give a half-hearted apology and say something like “I am sorry you got upset when I…” A half-assed apology is worse than none at all. Because not only are you not offering up an apology for what you did wrong, you are telling the other person that they had no right to get upset.

Rule #4:

Do not text your apology. Do not email it. For the love of all things holy, Do Not Post It on Facebook. Give the person your apology in person, or if that is not possible, over the phone.

Rule #5:

Offer reparations. Make it right if possible. Show the person in a meaningful way that you are truly sorry.

Rule #6:

Let it go. All you can do is apologize. You can’t make a person forgive you. There will be times when an apology just isn’t enough and the relationship will end. It is in those moments that you should learn from your mistakes and not repeat them.

Rule #7:

You should realize that as much as you will have to apologize, others will have to apologize to you. Be gracious. Offer forgiveness. Sometimes you will find yourself overly invested in hanging onto your anger and enumerating the ways that you have been wronged. That is precisely the time you should do some self-examination.

Love,

Your Mother, who wishes she didn’t have to learn these rules the hard way

http://alphamom.com/parenting/seven-rules-on-how-to-apologize/

Me Two Years Ago Vs. Me Now

At a party for a friend of mine's and my birthday party I was having a discussion with a friend and a friend of hers. We discussed politics, religion and then we got on the topic of disabilities, government aid and my choice on kids.

First I will explain what I said and then what would have been said and done.

Person 1 - friend of a friend, against government aid and my choice for kids. She works in a hospital in patho.

Person 2 - friend of mine who understand the need for government aid and choices. She works with people who have disabilities.

We were talking and person 1 expressed how she felt about people with disabilities and that they should not get government aid. She said she should not have to pay for someone else's bills and that there should not be social security, because people should learn to take care of their future themselves.

This upset me, but I kept calm and explained my said of it: I told her that most can't hold a job or even function in normal society without having some difficulties. My son can't enter a store without freaking out and he might not ever be able to get a job and will most likely will live with me or in care of someone forever. His doctor bills are too high for us to pay for without some kind of help. I see more specialist than you can imagine. However, I am going to college and I hope that one day his need for this aid will lower!

Person 2 explains that she works with people who don't have the ability to hold a job, they want some independence and the aid they get helps them keep some independence. Having a child with disabilities is hard enough without having more stress about getting medical bills that they can't pay.

This discussion continued and person 1 still stuck to her side that she didn't want to pay for others and that the government wasn't meant to help people in that way.

I told her she should try and have a child with disabilities and I knew her tune would change.

Then person 1 asked me how I could have more children if I knew I had a genetic disorder and if I have one disabilities.

This really pushed my buttons...

I told her that I didn't know I had the genetic disorder until I already had my first three kids. (Being upset figures went out the window) Having a girl with the full mutation of FXS is slim and there are chances that you can also have a boy without the disability. You (person 1) should know that medical breakthroughs that happen everyday; that there will be a day that there is a cure or a way that people who have it are not as debilitated by it. If I decided to have 10 more kids it will be my choice and I will take care of them just like I am now!!

Person 2 defended me and said that she knows someone who had a child with Down's and they decided to have another child.. because they knew the chances of having another one with Downs is slim.. however, they did have another one with it. But they get aid and the kids are growing up with parents who want to love and take care of them.

I stayed calm during this whole conversation and didn't fly off the rails...

However,

Had this happened two years ago that would not have ended with me upset and still talking.

It would have ended with me going to jail for kicking her a*s because she was rude and unkind about her opinions.

I get now that everyone is entitled to the way that they feel.. no matter how pissed I get or how one sided their way of thinking is!

Growth is a b*tch sometimes!

But.. Sometimes

A friend of mine posted this:

Sometimes

I'm a little girl or a little boy

Sometimes I run real fast or jump real high,

Sometimes I just watch planes in the sky

Sometimes I must have my favorite toy

Having it close gives my joy.

Sometimes I think the same as you or your friends

But

Sometimes I say something again and again.

Sometimes I have words inside my head

But

a scream comes out instead.

Sit with me, play with me, or beside me

I'll watch you and know what to do.

Sometimes I flap my hands!

Do you suck your thumb?

Neither of us is dumb!

I like pizza, french fries, movies and bowling too!

I got a Nana, an Auntie or two.

Sometimes I laugh a lot or spin around.

Sometimes I'll plop right down on the ground.

Instead of saying no I don't want to,

I just stare and look down.

Look into my eyes even if I just stare,

You know what?

I'm in here.

This could have been wrote about my lil man. It makes me feel sad that there are so many times that my son has been looked at like he was not the same as ever other kid..

There are days to look at him and watch him you would think that there was nothing wrong

There are days that he goes and 'plays' football all on his own with other kids that you think.. there is nothing wrong.

However, my lil man

Believe What You Want

WARNING: This is an entry that is honest and not for those who don't want to hear how I truly feel!
If you read on and don't like what I have to say.. you can't say I didn't warn you! <3

A common posed question that comes from living in what is known as the 'Bible Belt' is "why don't you attend church?" Some have posed this question and began preaching about God.

Personally I have come to a cross road, where my childhood belief in God has been replaced by more questions that has paused my belief that there is a God and if there is..

How could he allow the things to happen to me as a child, (the MANY types of abuse I endured), or any child for that matter and say that. Then to top it all off... if you ask for forgiveness for what you did to supposably God's children you can still be saved.. REALLY.. I mean REALLY!

The Bible a book written by MAN is what everyone is supposed to follow.. well on my time on earth.. I have learned MEN LIE. Hell, everyone lies.

I could go on for hours at this point and I know that EVERYONE could argue their points and religion with me until we are all blue in the face.

However, changing my mind is not going to happen just like changing your mind will not either. I can see that many want something to believe in and I can understand that.. but I am not sure that I could agree with every point that is made.

My disbelief spans from many things that have happened in my life.. what don't kill us makes us stronger right.. WRONG.. it inevitably changes the way our mentality works and what we think about life from that point on.

I am going to live my life the way I feel and if at the end of the day I am wrong.. then I did it my way and I was happy while I did it.

Who would fault me for that?!?!

SO at the end of the day when you question my soul and how I live my life.. Know that as a child I grew up in the church and was still abused as a child! After I was 'saved' in that church I got even MORE abuse..

Now I question every aspect that you believe in and I can understand if you want to question mine.

I will not push my views on you and I would like it if you didn't push your view on me.

I allow my children to attend church and figure out for themselves how they feel at the end of the day.

But I am happy with the choices I have made for my life and that is the way I want to live this life!

Slightly broken hearted

This letter was posted today by a friend who found it online. I thought it was worth sharing today!
An Open Letter to all Professionals

Hello? New teacher, or therapist, or doctor?

Is that you?

Oh hello… I just wanted to chat with you a second. To caution you. Or warn you.

Please, tread carefully.

You see, what you might not realize as you look at me, talk to me, tell me your opinions, our options, our lack of options, and your predictions of our outcomes is that; well… you see that heart?

The slightly broken, definitely bruised one?

Yeah, that’s my heart. My slightly-broken, definitely-bruised heart.

Now, I realize that as you look at me you might see…a confident parent… or an angry parent…or a happy-go-lucky parent…

You might think that I understand everything… or nothing…… or that I have all the experience in the world because I have done this before… or that I know the rules… or that I don’t know the rules and that is for the best….

You might believe… that I am high maintenance… or overreacting… or maybe neurotic… or disengaged and uninterested… or that I don’t really care… or maybe I care too much…

But regardless of what you see, what you think, or what you believe, this is what you should know:

I am broken-hearted. And it doesn’t matter if it is the first day or a century later. It doesn’t matter where in the “grief cycle” I might be. It doesn’t matter if the wounds are healed, or healing, or fresh and new. This heart is bruised. Slightly broken. Different than it once was and will ever be again. And when you speak, or don’t speak, in judgment or not, my heart is out there.

Some of “us” parents… the ‘special’ ones… can be a pain in the ass. I know that. WE know that. But we are fighting a fight we never planned to fight, and it doesn’t end. We don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. We don’t get a vacation from it. We live it, everyday. We are fighting without knowing how to fight it, and we depend so much on you to help us. We have been disappointed, by you or others like you. And we are disappointed in ourselves. We are your harshest critics. We are our own harshest critics too. We are genuinely fearful, and driven, and absolutely devoted. And we also know, we need you. So please, be careful with us. Because as hard and tough as we may look outwardly, our hearts are fragile things.

the crack and the light
www.thecrackandthelight.com

This really brought me to tears as I read these words. I feel like I could have written the same thing to my son's teachers at times!

Thinner than paper.

I am blue and I am not sure that there is a dye that is strong enough to brighten my mentality right now. The motivation for cleaning, laundry, homework and appointments is really taking it toll on me. It is all closing in on me.. when all I want to do is lock myself in a little room and stare at the wall or the inside of my eyelids.

While I don't let how I feel stop what needs to be done... house work, class work, appointments and everyday kids stuff, that don't mean that I don't want to still hide.

I love my kids and I vas in all that they are and I love spending time with them, however; all the arguing, tantrums, sleepiness nights, broken stuff and every other negative behavior pulls at my strings.

There are days that are much grander than other and some that are not so good. But as I stepped away for a few days after I started this entry I realized that I am richer in more than any wealth many could ever imagine. So what started as a blog about me just at the end of my rope and wanting nothing more that 2 minutes alone to breathe, I realize that I am not sure that it's what I really want at all.

But what do I want.. is there really anything that I want?

My kids are healthy.. aside from our X's!
We live in a nice house that is only getting better the more WE work on it!
I have a wonderful husband who loves me and accepts all that I am ~ crazy X's and all!
My kids are happy and so is my husband and I!

Now that's not to say that there are days that we are not happy and we are stressed and needing some time apart.
But in real life who doesn't need time away from each other. We are a family and dissipate my personal issues and faults, I will live with the negative behaviors and just look forward to the days that are better!

Because without me looking forward to the days that are grand.. how will I ever make it?!

If you knew.. would you still?

At first it was very hard to know that I passed on this gene.
Everybody said you shouldn’t feel that way, and my response was always "okay I won’t."

But it makes a difference, knowing that my genes made life a bit harder for all my children
and maybe taken away my daughter's desire to have children.

After seeing the struggles that their brother has went though.

Had I known, I probably wouldn't have had children.
But thank God I didn’t know because they’re all a blessing.

Correction.. I did have more children after I knew.
I love my family... extra X's and all.

Neurologist and FX's affect

For some reason I have to choose to take my son to doctors that are almost 100 miles away. When there are the same type of doctors closer by..

Wait I know why I put my son and I though that torture... because the doctors that are further away know what FX is.

So Lil Man, my youngest daughter and I made the long trip up to UofL Pediatric Neurologist, and I learned some intreating things and the doctor made me feel a little better!

Lil Man has had one major seizure and some small ones.. that we know of. Well, I asked the Dr.. if there was a possibility of brain damage from his seizures because he is having some trouble with learning certain things.

His therapist is working with picture cards to improve his speech and identification skills. He can master pictures of chicken nuggets, cows, cats and dogs, just to name a few. He can do most of them with just being showed the picture and asked "what is this' he may need a prompting or two, however there are very few problems with it.

However, we are also working on X, A, 1, and 2 and this is where the trouble starts for him. He is having trouble remembering what they are and even after being prompted 3-4 times and being told what the cards are he still hasn't mastered them. We have worked on just those four for about 6 months now.

After explaining why I wondered if there was brain damage preventing him from learning different things, he explain that he didn't think so. He said he felt as though it was just the affects of the Fragile X on his ability to learn certain things.

While this is not the greatest news to hear, it does make me feel a little better to a. know that there is not brain damage (none found anyway) and b. that maybe he will learn it all on his own time. Just like his ability to speak.

The long drives make it all worth the trip to have a doctor who knows what FX is and I don't have to explain it first!

Explain Fragile X to Me..

What is fragile x?

The mutation of the x chromosomes...

Most inherited genetic disorder...

Can cause Autism or Autism like symptoms... blah, blah, blah,

Scientific speech that almost feels rehearsed rather than really give and explanation of what it really is.

Most of the time this is what I say over and over again as new people enter into our lives, whether they are there for as a professional who went to college to study disabilities and other things or they are just asking about my son.

However, is the scientific explanation what Fragile X really is or is it just what we have said so many times that we leave out the rest of the true explanation about it?

Do we leave out the good things or the bad because it is too much to talk about?

Or do we just not talk about them because then we feel like we are dumping our life story on someone?

Or does it boil down to whatever reason we give ourselves to not talk about the depth of how fragile x really has affected us or our children??

For the most part I leave out the facts that my son loves to give hugs, is generally a happy child, and is a loving little boy.

I leave out the stresses of not being able to communicate with my son and vise versa.

It is left out that he throws fits because he is unable to communicate and he throws fits when ever it is most inappropriate.

Fits at restaurants for reasons that are unknown and that most would think that he would not due to his love of all things food and drink.

Fits occur at school and they deal the best they can.

Fits occur when we are out in public, so I try and limit where he goes in hopes that it will make things easier on everyone but most of all him.

I take my son out based on many factors that most wouldn't even think about when getting their kids ready to go out into the world beyond the comforts of home.

I judge where we are going, what day of the week it is, who is going with us, and most important: what his general mood is that day. Because even if everything is right and he is not... I feel like I am asking for whatever happens.

But the most stressful thing about going one aside from the fits are the ones that occur in the car while we are headed away from home, where he wants to be.

The fit he gives when we head home, to the place I know he wants to be most of all.

Fits going home stress me out because he knows that we are going there and that is where he wants to be...

Yet he throws a fit.

There are things that I know I can't get out of taking him... no matter what he his day is like.

We can't get out of doctors, therapy, school and every other thing that he may not want to do.. but we fight with him and drag him along. Even when I would love to just let him be happy at home.

I leave out that he is not potty trained at almost 8 years old and we have hopes that MAYBE one day he will be able to use the potty.

But I am realistic that it might not happen any time soon.

But if I had to say the most important thing I leave out is:

The loneliness that I feel when fragile x is on my mind..

I lack the having my 'father' and his side of the family, from whom I got this gene from, and their knowledge and understanding of what X has done to change my life..

Forever...

Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful husband that is amazing with all of my kids and with me. Even if he don't understand me all the time.. he really does his best! <3

I have his wonderful family who has accepted me and my kids into their lives without judgment; but, with understanding and the want to learn about X.

I have my mother who still don't quite understand me, but tries to and she don't mind how crazy I can be.

All the wonderful people who have entered my life since fragile x has become one of the terms to describe my kids and I.

Including those who I just met on Facebook!

But at the end of the day I don't really know much about how this X has affected ME mentally and physically... among other things.

I don't know how this X has affected my children... other than what I can see and they try and tell me.

Most of all, I don't feel like I can talk about what is going on within me and how it has affected me in ways that I don't even understand at times.

These are some of the things that I don't talk about to those who ask what Fragile X is, what the blood test showed in 2004 and how it has changed my life forever!

If you only knew how I felt

No I don't want to talk to you about my issues.
You could never understand.

Aside from the fact that your views on the subject
are the complete opposite of mine.

I have spent most of my life dealing with this,
Never to completely get over it.

This will never be an accepted issue
on my part.

If you knew what happen,
You would get why I am offensive about the issue.

public outbusts

Public places are a nightmare for my little man!
To say that would be to make the biggest understatement of the year.

I can't imagine what must be going on in his mind and body as we enter into public places.
The stimulation from the lights, sounds and large areas, are hard enough on a 'normal' person. But what is going on for him?

That is something that I can't answer, nor can he with his limited communication skills. However, that don't stop him from have a huge melt down in public places that a. we go to everyday or a few times a week or b. avoid at all cost.

We can get ready to leave the house and take the kids out for dinner. Now, let me tell you my son LOVES to eat, he is the happiest when he has food in his hands. We have a few places that we go because that is what the kids love and it is cheap enough!

He and I don't attend church because he can't handle the noise or the silence and I can't handle people touching me or saying something about my son's outburst!

His fits in public are much worst when there are people looking at him. I have learned what can and can't be done to calm him. But when people are looking and making comments, that is the moment I can't handle.

Maybe one day we can take him anywhere and not have to worry about how he is going to act or what others are going to say and how I am going to react. Because lets face it when you say something about my son I become defensive and there are defiantly times that I don't react the way that I should.

But he is my son and I will stand up for him at all cost!

Not as Stong as I Seem.

I got told today that someone was amazed that I have not had a break down. That I have not freaked out or had a nervous break down. They told me that there were some people in some sort of same position as me who don't have it as 'rough' as me who just lose it and freak out.

There are times when I wonder the same thing, how can I be strong enough to handle three kids, one on the way, a husband, school and a messed up mind like mine.

I am not as strong as I seem to be!

It is a every day fight for me to keep from falling apart, on the outside you would never know it because I am mean, I am a fighter and I don't let things get to me that most people would let in.

I have lived my life knowing that there was something not quite the same as others around me. Knowing that my life was different, inside my mind I was different.

Knowing that everyone is different, but I carried something that I would later in life learn really made me different. There was a reason that might help explain why I may act sane one day and not quit the same the next, crazy almost.

I am bipolar and I feel that when I was 14 and I was told that this would explain everything that I was going to be going through, yet I knew that there was something more.

Over the years since I found out that I was bipolar I figured out that this was something that I was going to have to live with and not let it control me.

This was what keeps me going, it was not letting my 'disorder' control me.

I have lived life one day at a time and I have let my disorder take over my life and run me, like when I was 15. And yet I would never go back and change what I have done in my past, but I would not want to do it again while I am this age and ever changing in my daily life.

15 was a hard age for me, while I did have lots of fun I learned that I can't let my disorder rule me like it did then.

Now I will not lie to you, there are times in my life that I can't control what is going on the inside/outside of my head, but the difference is that this time I can see the problems that I am facing and I can push though them, I can channel all the things to move me forward and out of the troubled minds that lead ahead for me.

I have learned my triggers, how to stop them from ruling my life and how to show myself that I am in control of me and not my 'disorder'. For that I am truly a happier person.

So, when you look at me and think how I am as strong as I appear, just remember that I am not as strong as I look, but I am strong enough to get me through!

Letter to a man I don't really know...

I just want to call him, yell and get all the anger out of me...
To make things better, for me
To make me better

I want him to know everything I went though while he was gone and how I felt about things,
So I wrote a letter, for me
To make things better for me!

Warning, what I have to say in this letter is not going to be nice; it is not going to be kind. Because at the end of the day this is not about you, this is about Anthony and I. As of right now I can’t talk for Anthony however, I can talk for me and this is everything I have to say and must say for me! I would tell you everything over the phone but as of right now that would not be the best for me. So if you do not want to hear the cold mean truth from me than I would recommend that you do not read anymore than this.

I have often wondered what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths or came in contact with each other. When I was younger my only question was “WHY?”

… did you leave us when you tried to fight for us in court? Hell, why did you leave?
Now I know that it was not all your fault that there were 4 key players, my mother, grandparents and YOU, for you not being in our life. But you were the one who was not there at the end of it all. 20 years after not knowing if you were dead or alive and having no contact with much of your side of the family, until 2000 I had not talked with any of them. Once I had talked with Doug it was only for a short time (a month max) and he had no insight as to where you were. However, I do have a connection with them and I plan to keep it that way!

When we talked on the phone for the first time, it pissed me off, so much that I was never sure that I wanted to talk with you again. When you informed me that you were easy to find and WE should have found you. WE, WE, we were the kids in the picture and it wasn’t up to us and should have never been left up to us! I will admit that we did look for you, but at the end of the day YOU should have been the one to find us. Did you know that I made it easy, my entire life to be found on the internet, I kept me maiden name open while I have been married in hopes that MAYBE you would look for us… maybe.

But after I was about 17 I decided that I didn’t want a man in my life that clearly didn’t put forth the effort to be in mine, because at the end of the day you were not there. While I still have issues with that fact I didn’t let it rule my life!
When we talked I almost felt you wanted me to feel guilty for you because you have been off drugs and fought really hard to stay clean and that you wanted to take care of you. Well, that is all well and fine however, my mother went through her AA and NA, taking us along the way to make sure that she fought for herself and us. Since, she has gotten clean, my mother has fought with being clean, but you know what she did it and raised us!

While you may have had many surgeries and a rough life, dealing with yourself. But I have had it rough too, because as a kid I wondered what I did to make you leave, what I did wrong. Only to learn that it wasn’t me, it was YOU.
Clearly I am not a nice person, I have been told many times that I am rather mean, but you know what, I really don’t care because I speak my mind!
As for you coming out here, which would not be for the best, because I am not sure that I even want to see you right now. You see I am bipolar to the extreme and the built up anger and issues that I have with you wouldn’t be good for me. I am not sure how I would react to seeing you. So please don’t make any major plans to come out here.

If I end up coming out to Cali, don’t expect me to come and see you because I am not sure that I really want to as of now. Also, why should I allow you to be in my life now, family is the most important thing for me and I will not allow you to come in a mess up the happiness that I have built without you.

We can talk on the phone and maybe just maybe one day I may be ok with you coming out here, but that is a LONG time from now.

What is Fragile X?

On the eve of everyone knowing that I am going to have another child, I am led back in time to when I found out that my son and daughters were diagnosed with Fragile X.

All the emotion and fears that came to my mind when I was told what was going on, and how our lives would change from that moment on.

I tried to explain what the outcome of me having another would mean to the baby and what it would mean for the family. I find that even though I had explained it before when this little life is brought into the world, denial for what I carry and pass onto my kids come from outside sources.

The idea that if this child is a boy that 'it' will not suffer with the Fragile X as my son does is Ludicrous! The doctors told me that the likely hood would be slim to non existent. But hay what do they know... they only study it for a living.

I hope for a girl, but the outcome of a girl is likely to be the same as my son is a possibility (smaller but still.)

We are not ready for another baby, but I will love the baby and we will make it!

But definition Fragile X is:

Fragile X is the most common cause of inherited mental impairment. This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities (sometimes referred to as mental retardation). Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features, anxiety, and delays in speech and language development. Fragile X syndrome is also the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors.

In my world, Fragile X is a family member that has changed everything I knew about life and love. My son has opened my eyes to a world that is different and scary. But most of all it has become a world that is not negative, but a life changing even for us all.

I am, I am, I am

I'm mean
I'm spoiled
I'm a bitch

These are the things that I keep being told by others. I have come to a point in my life that I am who I and I have changed and been affected by all the things I have done in my life. There are things that I will never talk about, things that I can joke about and things that I am open about. I can't say that I regret anything that I have done in my life, because without those crazy, stupid and reckless things that I have done I wouldn't be me.

There comes a time in someones life that they have to realize that there is nothing that they can do about their past, only learn to live with it and to take things one day at a time.

It was brought to my attention that there are some in my family that had some other wise not so nice things to say about me having my kids at an age that 'society' deems too young and to those I say get over yourself. (however, Karma came back at you didn't it!) I would never change the time that I had my children! I was young and able to keep up with them, my son would have Fragile X with or without me being young. So, I have learned more from my kids than I could ever learn from some school.

My husband tells me that I am a mean person... I don't care what people think and I don't realize how I come across to others. When I don't think that I am saying something mean others think that what I said was mean and out of line. I feel like if you don't want to know how I feel or what I think about something then don't ask me. I don't want people to sugar coat things for me I want the truth... but I have learned that many say that they want the truth and inside that is not what they mean and that is when I am considered mean. Maybe you should not ask me if that is not what you want to hear, or here is an idea ask me to lie to you an I so can do that! : )

I have had many people in my life tell me what I should do and should not do, but I finally came to a point in my life that I stopped letting people walk over me and I quit caring what others think. I started to do the things for me and not worrying how or what I did or didn't do.

This is the conclusion that I have some to about myself..

I am a born leader, opinionated, moody and unafraid of what people have to say about it!

Many say that I'm intimidating until you get to know me...I guess it's the "aura" I give off...a strong, independent, bull-shit-free personality.

Easy going, funny, and big hearted.

I try not to pass judgment and always try to remain open minded.

Driven, out going, and very honest.

Honestly if you wanna know if your ass looks fat in those jeans, just call me, I'll tell ya..I'm 100% honest, I won't sugar coat anything for you unless you're a little kid or something :}

I am not afraid to say it how it is.

I love to have fun and to travel, although I don't think I do nearly enough of it.

In short at the end of the day I am me! Who can fault me for that?!?!

My Father

As I was driving down the road... which I must say I do wonderfully! But that is off topic.

Anyways, as I was driving to pick up the kids, from school, on this beautiful day I had the radio up and a song came on that makes me run though a series of emotions.

Sweet Child of Mine by Guns & Roses came across the air waves and in the 5 minutes that it was one I believe that I went though every emotion from anger to contentment.

As you ask how is it possible that you can flow though such emotion from a single song.. for me this song contains memories that I want to remember and ones that I would like to never think of again.

Since I began to talk to my fathers side of the family, it makes me wonder why he would leave his own children.

I understand that everyone in my family has their own story as to why he is not around and while I realistically will never know that answer to that... I have grown to question if I ever want to know why.

One of the only memories I have of my father and myself are sitting on his lap and him singing that song to me.

When I was about 9 years old I am not sure what brought it on because I would have been about 3-4 when he did that, but I asked my mother about what I remembered and she told me that it used to happen all the time.

I would crawl up in his lap and when the song came on he would sing it to me. As my mother said I was his mini me and in my eyes he could do no wrong.

Then he walked out of our lives... and now as I listen to that song I am flooded with the one happy memory that I have of him and the anger that he could leave his children.

I don't really remember what he looks like, however if you talk to anyone in my family they tell me to look in the mirror. Yet for me at times that really is not enough...

I love that song, no matter what I have to say about the memories... even if one day they are good or bad or if they are just memories that we all have to live with.

Sweet child of Mine makes me smile, angry, over-joyed, or content with the way that my life or mind is!


HAHAHAHAAA I just realized I might have issues...

NO NO wait...

I already knew that and there was no question about it!!

Me in a Nut Shell Part 1

So here I start to write about the past that I have such a hard time talking about. There are things in my past that feeling like a dream and in a way are stored in my memory as one. This is meant to help me open up, share those dreams.
At the start of my parents separation, my mother, brother and I were picked up by some friend's of my mothers and we were going to stay there for a few days til things calmed down with her and my father. This night seemed like most CA nights, stars and the moon hidden behind all the lights of the city, the warmth that you grow to love every night, and the sounds of all the people surrounding you going about their lives without noticing others. We pulled up to the apartment complex and pulled all our stuff up the first door of the second floor apartment. As we walked into the already open door, I noticed some older boys outside, having fun jumping off the railing of the second floor and landing on the ground, I wanted to sit and watch but was hurried in by my mother. As we entered through the door of the living room, it contained a house full of adults and a bunch of playing children in a bedroom. Immediately my brother and I were sent to the room to go and play with the other children and told to stay there until supper was finished.
However, I had other things on my mind, the older boys outside and why they were jumping off of the railing! So, being the curious little child I was, I decided that I would go outside and find out more. I snuck out past a room filled with grownups and out into the night time air, one of the three boys were fixing to jump and I sat on the top step and watched them.
As one of them came back up the stairs he stopped and asked "would you like to try and jump."
I replied, "No, I don't want to."
Their joined response was, "No means yes and yes means no,"
I was put up on the railing and pushed off. I don't remember feeling any pain at first, come to think of it I don’t remember the fall or even hitting the ground. I felt as though I couldn’t walk and so I crawled over to the steps and I felt something warm and wet running down my face this sent me into shock. I touched my hand to my face to see what it was, as I pulled back my hand and saw blood, my immediate response was to start screaming for my mother. Within a few seconds she was there and yelling for someone to call 911. She asked if I was in pain and to my surprise I was not, I was just scared.



During the divorce between my mother and father, my little brother and I were caught in the middle, of a nasty fight. One afternoon, Anthony and I were going to see my father at the ‘meeting place’ as we were told. As we entered the waiting room of this office, we become bombard by a uncomfortable atmosphere of people who want to be there as much as we did. The walls of the room are ocean blue, with Little Mermaid characters, used toys being played with by children, next to these children are their parents seated in uncomfortable, black, plastic chairs, thinking of all the other places that they would rather be.
As we were seated to wait for my father, my mother sat there, talked and played with us, about 10-15 minutes later my father walked through the door with the usual box of gifts such as; Beauty and the Beast video, Barbies, and Turtles. These gifts are the types of things that my father brought to us all the time, and in that moment of joy for seeing my father, I was suddenly hit by a wave of sadness that I couldn't explain to my father about. We were taken to the visiting room, a room that looked like something out of a police interrogation room, blane walls with cartoon characters, a large mirror on one wall, a couch, and more piles of used toys, this room was a something that I couldn't stand to be in. I sat in that room that we were taken to and played with the toys that my father brought all the while I was hoping that things would be great again in our lives.
The time came that we needed to leave and my father walked with us out the building and down the street. We came to the street corner and parted ways with him. I remember holding the newest barbie, my brother holding his turtle, and saying our goodbyes, as he turned and walked the other way and we waited for the light to turn for us to cross the street I took my mother's hand and asked her, "Was daddy trying to buy our love so we would go and live with him?" I am not sure now how I came to that or why I asked when even at that time I knew the answer. She looked down at me and answered, "Yea, I guess that you could look at it that way." So that was the end of that conversation.
Even at the age of 5, I watched the way that people acted and talked, in some way maybe that is what gave me the insight to realize the types of people that were in my life. This life's lesson is something that has brought me to become the person that I am today.

Relating to someone I will never meet.

Have you ever started reading something about a stranger, yet you felt like you have known them your whole life. As you are reading about that persons struggles, pains, problems and joys you feel like you could have wrote that about a child, friend or partner. As you think about how stressed out you are, you begin to wonder if maybe you are not the only one on this planet who is going through everything within the daily grind in your 'normal' day.

Maybe there is hope for me and someone who can relate to what I am going through, now I don't expect that I will ever meet this person that wrote the book that I am reading however, whether or not I know that we are connected.

So before I continue I guess that I should state the name of the wondrous book for me: Spelling Love with an X, by Clare Dunsford.

This book was bought for me by a good friend and my son's therapist as a gift, I am always into reading and learning more about the genetic disorder that I passed on to all of my children. My son took the rougher end of it because he only has one X and his mutation of the X Chromosome is rather high, which gives him the moderately to severely mentally disabled.

I have began to read this book the women stated that she knew that there was something not quit right with the way her son was responding to everything and that she knew that her son had something that made him different and that made him special. I felt the same way about my son, now I know that every parent thinks that their child is special in their own way. But the kind of special that she and I am talking about is something completely different, Xavier didn't act or show emotion to me the way that my daughter had.

Our bond was missing, I loved my son like no other but the connection that I felt with Nicole was missing. At first I thought that maybe it was me and I was the cause of this problem, that Xavier and I didn't connect the way you hear about with a mom's boy. Now don't get me wrong he is my love and my only son but he never really had held a connection the way that my girls do. Clare talks about the same feeling and this gave me a warmer sense that this maybe a common issue with X, (for the duration of my writing I am going to refer to Fragile X I am just going to refer to it as X). I have read may articles and books concerning X however, reading something from someone who is living with it and not just a doctor who has done research.

As I began to read about her concerns towards her son's development and the feeling that she was the reason for it and back when she was first told about it and her denial towards the possibility, I saw my first reaction towards the doctors orders for the blood work.

Once he got tested and we were told to go see the genetics doctor, they gave me information about X and things took a long history. While there I wanted to point the blame of what was wrong with my son on his 'father' as well. However Clare like me forgot basic science and that X chromosomes are just passed to the son by the mother.

Now all of my kids have the mutation and my daughters don't have the full mutation, however if the ever have kids they are looking at a 50/50 chance of their kids having it. I know that IF I ever have a child my odds are higher because of all of my children mutation.

Clare understood that she would have to sit down and have the 'talk' with her family and I would have to do the same. I talked with my mother because I knew that if she had it all of my siblings might and this would need to be something that is talked about with them too. However, because I am a girl and I got both and X from each parent it was concluded that I must have gotten it from my 'father'. This would help me to understand later while my mother told me about my 'father's' side of the family and my uncles disabilities. This is a disorder that is hidden and like a nasty infection is will show itself when it is ready and some may end up with X and others can live a while life and never know it. My grandmother most likely never knew that she had it and if I didn't ever have a son I would probably be in the same boat.

But at the end of the day I know that I am not alone and I can do this! I am going to continue reading this wonderful book and maybe mention her in the blog from time to time.

The little words...

As my kids and I sit down for yet another day stuck at home from the snow. I look at my kids and wonder how did I ever become so lucky to have three wonderful kids?
My wonderful son makes me go though every emotion though-out one day without even trying, yet I will love him forever unconditionally.

No matter how stressed out I become with the fact that he picks up words and just spits them out and I am not sure if he even knows what they mean or if he just copies what the girls say. First the word 'yep' showed up and that was all he would say, it didn't matter if it was: "Did you pee in your pull up?" to "Are you going to stop crying?" Then he would start crying all over again. So in a way I just began to see that no matter what I would ask him he would respond with a 'yep.' Than he began to stop with the 'yeps' and moved to 'I know,' and when I began to look at all the things that he was saying I wondered even more if he was just coping his sisters. Nicole, my oldest, whenever she would get talked to about something she knew she didn't need to be doing or if she didn't do her homework when she got home, I would talk to her about it and she would respond with, 'I know,' as time began to pass from all of this I seen that my son started to say the same things. So is he really talking or is he just saying things that he hears. I know that you can split hairs and say well he is talking but I am talking about meaningful talking. Words that he really knew what they mean and that he is using them in the right way.

If you sit back and listen to him while no one else is around you will hear all kinds of noises and sounds, but are they meaningful that would be considered 'communication?' In my eyes I feel that he tries when he wants to but only when he wants to and on his time.

Ever since my son was first in therapy we have tried to work with signs and pictures to try and help him to express his needs and that has worked some however, he is never consistent with using them, even though we keep working at them. I have fought to get him a communication device and I am going to he working with his school and therapist to try and get him to either use the device and start talking or just use the device to express his needs.

He has come along way in the past few years since he was first diagnosed with the Fragile X and Autism. We are taking his progress one day at a time, even though he may never talk, be potty trained or do any of the things most kids do, I still have hope and I will always fight for him to be the best no matter how far he can go!

I love my baby boy and my two wonderful daughters!